I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
