i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
