Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
