I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
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Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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