that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
