After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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