so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
