he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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