I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
