Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
