Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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