dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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