Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My penis needs a shock collar
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
