my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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