I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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