If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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