this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
