in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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