do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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