I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
