my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
