There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
