we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
