i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
