Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
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The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering