love makes seman taste better
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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