if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
