I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
