Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
