he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's never too late to be topless.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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