I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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