Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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