woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
