in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
