Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
