good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
