So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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