my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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