So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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