so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
