it's too hot outside to masturbate.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
