you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
