Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
