you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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