New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
