true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
