I hate your face
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
