Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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