And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I skipped work to stalk him.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
