umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Randomize
