Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
