ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
