Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
