apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
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areolas are like halos for boobs.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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