Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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